I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
