the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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