I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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