I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
