I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
