yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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