my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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