I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
