I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
