She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
