My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
