I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i out mim tonsoeep
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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