It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
