he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize