I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I wear drunk well.
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