TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
