DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
