Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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