Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
