I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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