The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
