My cat gives me a boner
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
