i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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