Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
