We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
