I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
