On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
