y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
