I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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