A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
