I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
