Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
