well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize