I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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