I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My ass is underappreciated
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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