i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I love you. Go after that dick
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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