he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
