apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
