Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
