omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize