I am in a vortex of obligation.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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