I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
