I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize