I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
