If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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