I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
