Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
