i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize