Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
