I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
