while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
