no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
