it was like his penis was on wheels.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
