I wish I could teleport
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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