He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
