also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Semen is not good for contacts.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize