Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
