so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
