This is not my ceiling
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We are all done wearing pants today
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
