Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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