Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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