I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
