Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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