I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
