I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize