I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
