Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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